NOTHING fills a mum of an 11-year-old with more feelings of inadequacy than reading a list of 50 things her 11-year-old should have already done.
Umm, on reading the inventory, compiled by the UK's National Rust, I mean National Trust, 'from rolling down hills to bird watching and damning a stream' I fear that unless we were Amish, only a few of the 50 can be struck off our list.
Yes, a tree has been climbed by the kid but not without knees, legs and arms scratched and vows made never to climb one again. Although rolling down a really big hill was fun. For me, anyway.
Yes, the son has certainly camped out. But I left that for him to do with his dad.
'Build a den'? I mean what are we, The Brady Bunch? Who has a 'den' anyway, apart from Mike Brady?
Yes, we've skimmed stones, run around in the rain and flown a kite but as for catching a fish with a net, my kid doesn't plan on being a professional fisherman at this point, so the bung, reel-less rod had to make do.
As for eating an apple straight from a tree - after the pesticides are wiped off perhaps we have - but as for playing 'conkers', a quick google search told me it is only applicable if living in Britain.
Of course we have gone on a really long bike ride, not before both of our legs were wobbly with exhaustion and playing a new Xbox game was a less strenuous alternative.
Making a trail with sticks, a mud pie and damning a stream haven't quite figured in our small inner-city courtyard but thank god we can tick off the 'Play in the snow' must-do. Phew.
My child has yet to set up a snail race, for fear the RSPCA may come knocking and while he has created some brilliant 'wild art' his was more school project than time-consuming past time.
I'm not even going to ask what playing a 'Pooh stick' is and as for jumping over waves, yes, we can tick that one off. A lot.
Picking blackberries growing in the wild and exploring the inside of a tree would be great, if both were nearby, but luckily 'a visit to a farm' has been made possible thanks to the support of generous friends with farms.
I mean, what kind of parent would let their kid go on a walk, barefoot? What of the syringes, broken glasses and crap that festoons our streets?
Who has really made a grass trumpet or hunted for fossils and bones?
Okay, we have been star gazing, climbed a huge hill, explored a cave and held a scary beast. Well, it was a baby Sumatran tiger, held in a controlled environment, if that counts.
My boy has hunted for bugs, and usually eaten them but the hunt for frogspawn continues. In hope.
He has caught falling leaves, usually because I am sweeping them off the roof so they don't block our drains but as for tracking wild animals, discovering what's in a pond and making a home for a wild animal, well we don't live far from Sydney's inner nightlife, so we see all of that enough.
We have checked out 'the crazy creatures in a rock pool' and caught crabs (in the water, I mean) but as for 'bringing up' a butterfly, I've had an exciting enough time bringing up a child, let alone a pupa or two.
Yes, we have been on nature walks at night - often coming home from grabbing dinner at the local Japanese down the road - and we have attempted 'plant it, grow it, eat it', but we somehow haven't gone past the planting bit.
Of course we have swum in the sea, oh UK National Trust we are Australian! although the closest we got to building a raft was watching Tom Hanks do it in Castaway.
We've watched birds - well, my son is 11 and is starting to notice girls - while finding his way with a map and compass is easy. It's called Google Maps!
Rock climbing, cooking on a campfire and learning to ride a horse have all been happily ticket off the list - a total feeling of parental incompetence has slowly lifted - but as for finding a geocache. Let me just Google that.
news.com.au
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